Dear Mom: A Letter For Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Take in a big sigh of relief today. Relax for one moment (if only to simply read this). Now I am fully aware that you rarely get a moment to sigh, or relax, or even breathe for that matter (at least I'm sure it feels that way). But please just try for a minute...or two.

Even if you aren't able to take a moment to yourself, I am fully aware that because you are a mom, you will be able to read this while additionally changing a diaper, preparing a meal, running an errand (please don't read this while you're driving:), running a business, and lecturing one of your kids who has just broken one of your wedding plates (still to this day the most devastated I've ever seen my mom)...all at the same time. Yep, that's right! You can do all of these things at the same time because you are the epitome of multi-tasking. You do a phenomenal job at it!

In the hustle and bustle of being a mom, I can imagine (I can only imagine because I am not a mom, nor will I ever be a mom) that you feel a lot of pressure, all the time. I can objectively say that you have the hardest job on the planet. I say "objectively" because I have two difficult jobs as well (church planting pastor and dad). But to me, they pale on the comparison scale.

This pressure you feel has probably taken it's toll at various times over the course of the past year. I'm sure you have felt defeated, deflated, depressed, despair, downtrodden, downcast, disappointed and all of the other "d" words that have negative connotations. You've probably felt like a failure much more than you've felt like a success. Reason I know is because I live with a mom; the mother of my children - my wife. I see it in her face so often. She knows and wears that failure all too well. And it pains me to see. In fact, tears flow as I think and write in this moment.

This mommy failure manifests itself in so many dark and dreadful ways but mostly in feelings of disappointment: Disappointment that you aren't living up to the standard that you feel internally or see externally. Disappointment that you aren't doing a better job balancing everything else in your life. Disappointment that you aren't more on top of things. Disappointment that you can't go back in the past and do things differently. Disappointment that you let another year pass and didn't do the thing you said you would do. Disappointment that you lose your cool more than you keep it.

Disappointment is a massive burden to carry. It is rooted in a discontented and unsatisfied heart that questions the Sovereignty and goodness of a loving God. Disappointment is paralyzing!

 

I think we can all agree that you, mom, need some hope today.

Can I first tell you how your kids would describe you if they were remarkable orators and articulators?

"Her children rise up and call her blessed;" Proverbs 31:28a

Your children, in all of their whining and tantrum-ing and rebelling actually love you and actually see you as a blessing. This verse is better translated as this: "Her children affirm that she is a massive blessing to them!" You are a massive blessing to your children, whether or not they even see it. Why? Because God sees it AND He says it. He sees and says that there is a strong possibility your kids will affirm your awesomeness! And I'm sure you've witnessed this through so many hugs, kisses, I-love-you's, and tender moments.

But here's the truth. There will be days that you actually let your children down and they won't see you as a blessing, and they may even rise up and call you a disappointment.

What does this reveal? That you need more than your children's affirmation. Your children are sinners and aren't going to see you as the blessing you are, mom. They are going to miss it. When they do, this has the potential to feed into your disappointment and lead you into despair, believing all of the lies that you are already prone to believe about your motherhood. 

As you know, your children's feelings are fleeting. So is there affirmation of you. But God, He operates differently. If you are a follower of Jesus, a blood-bought saint, an adopted daughter, a sinner saved by grace, then God always rises up and calls you blessed!!! Consider these words:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places," Ephesians 1:3

EVERY. SINGLE. SPIRITUAL. BLESSING. IS yours! Because of Christ. Everything that you need is what you already have in Christ: forgiveness, adoption, grace, mercy, righteousness, love, and acceptance. Because of Christ, God only sees you as successful! You will never be marked by failure or disappointment by God because Christ took all of your failure and disappointment to the cross, on your behalf.

Today, more important than even your children rising up and calling you blessed, is for you to know that the God of the universe rises up and calls you blessed.

This is who you are, mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Understanding The Doctrine Of Justification

Imagine for a moment you are sitting in a courtroom as an observer. In front of you sits a person who is on trial for murder. Next to that person is the defense lawyer and the rest of the defense legal team. Across from them sits the prosecutor. The judge and jury are in their respective places.

This one-week trial is nearing an end. Both legal teams have given their closing statements. The case is as open-and-shut as there is. All of the evidence points to a conviction. The crime was even caught on camera. On top of that, the defendant confessed to the crime, hoping for a reduced sentence.

Then all of a sudden, as the jury has now come back from the deliberation room and are prepared to read the verdict to the courtroom, the judge stands up and walks out from behind his bench. He yells, “stop!” and swiftly heads over to where the defendant now stands, awaiting the verdict (in handcuffs). At this point every single person in the courtroom is in complete silence anticipating what is next.

The judge proceeds to tell the bailiff to take the handcuffs off of the accused and place them on him. He then says “I am taking the defendant’s place. No longer does the charge for murder apply to him. The charge will now be placed upon me. Jury, will you please read your verdict now, replacing the defendant’s name with my name? And please remain silent everyone, this is not a joke.”

Everyone in the courtroom is in shock. This can’t be happening. The jury obliges and reads the verdict:

“We the people of the jury find the defendant, GUILTY!”

The judge then sentences himself: “I hereby sentence myself to the death penalty for the crime of taking another person’s life. I take full responsibility and will bear the punishment that this crime deserves to bear.” He asks the bailiff to escort him out of the room and to the police car waiting to take him to prison where he will await his final punishment.

What about everyone else in the courtroom? They all go home, including the formerly accused.

Justification Defined In Not-So-Heady-Terms

This scenario gives us a picture of what the theological and biblical term justification is. Simply put, justification means to be pardoned from guilt. The original Greek word that we see in the New Testament is a legal term and would have been used in ancient Greek courtrooms (and is still used today).

The Apostle Paul says this to the church in Rome: “Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.” Romans 5:18

The situation presented above is a tiny example of the much larger pardoning that Christians have received from God through Christ. We are all like the criminal awaiting the murder conviction. As sinners, we have rejected God and His law and fall very short of getting to Him (Romans 3:23). The results of this are a deserved death sentence (Romans 6:23). And there is absolutely no hope of changing this (Ephesians 2:12).

But Jesus, who is the judge (2 Tim 4:1), stepped off of His bench, came and stood in our place as the criminal (Phil 2:8), was delivered up to death for our sins (Rom 4:25), becoming the atonement (the substitution) for our sins (1 John 2:2), so that we could be forever pardoned from our guilt!

When we deserved to be condemned for our crimes, Christ died for us (Rom 5:8) and pardoned us so that we wouldn’t have to bear the punishment we deserved to bear. THAT, my friends, is justification.

Questions To Spark Further Thought

Now, I would like to call your attention to these 3 questions:

1. Do you understand the doctrine of justification better after having read this article?

2. Do you feel more equipped to talk to your kids about it?

3. What, if anything, could I do or have done to help you: A. Understand justification better, and B. Be able to communicate it more effectively to your kids?

Why Our Family Quit Cable

I am a member of the bulk-food retail store Sam’s Club and one of the pushes they constantly make the moment I walk through their doors is to consider quitting cable and switching over to Satellite television. There is always an awkward salesperson, who in the past I have ferociously tried to avoid eye-contact with, waiting to ask “What cable company do you use?” just so they can subsequently ask me how much I pay and then move into their “riveting” sales strategy for why I should make the switch. 

For about a year now, I have been able to look these sales people straight in the eye and boldly and truthfully answer their question in a way that immediately shuts down the conversation: “I quit cable!” Since their entire sales goal is to get people to quit cable, my response always leaves them startled (although trends point to many others doing the same so maybe my response is not as big of a surprise to them as I think it is). My response does in fact have a 100% success rate of ending the conversation and for that reason alone I’m glad I quit cable.

Just Give Me A Reason (Or five)

All jokes aside, there are actually a few compelling reasons as to why our family quit cable last year and I’d like to share them with you, not for the purpose of telling you to do the same, but to give you a differing perspective that may at minimum cause you to evaluate your current reality, if your current reality involves a ton of television viewing. 

1. Television is the centerpiece of the American family living space. Walk into the living or family room in most homes and what do you see? A massive television adorning the wall with the entirety of the furniture perfectly positioned around it as though the only purpose for the furniture’s existence is to bring attention to the television.
2. Television is watched excessively in American homes. On average, American adults watch over 35 hours of television per week (nearly as much as a full-time work week). Children aren’t far behind, spending 32 hours a week in front of the television. If we include the number of hours spent on the internet, phone, tablets, gaming, and other multimedia, the total number of hours of screen time per American adult sky rockets to over 70 hours a week.
3. Television tends to deaden creativity and stifle imagination. Excessive screen time takes away opportunities for creativity and imagination to be sparked. Much of this is due to television stealing viewer creativity and sucking us into its imagination.
4. Cable specifically offers very few viewing options, with too many distractions. The tendency with cable is to flip through channels without having any desirable options, and once something appealing is stumbled upon, because of the amount of advertisements, one may find him/herself back in the vicious cycle again of flipping through the channels.
5. Cable is outrageously expensive (hence, why Sam’s Club is partnering with satellite companies). Last year the average cable bill cost American families $103 per month. There are less expensive options (netflix, hulu, amazon, sling, and apple tv just to name a few). One can even purchase a digital antenna for a few bucks to gain access to the major network channels. Believe me, there are other options.

Television And Family Liturgies

There is a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. The real reason my family quit cable wasn’t because we needed to save money (although that certainly played a small part in the decision making process). We quit cable because the liturgies (rhythms, or in other words the way we operated and functioned) in our family revolved around television watching. 

In my home alone (we thought we were “balanced” when it came to television watching) our kids watched at least a half hour or hour of cartoons in the morning 3-5 days a week. We would put on a show or movie during the day for our younger children when they wouldn’t nap and we needed to get work done. We found that it was on during some of our dinner times together. We were having more and more “movie nights” in the house (as if this was the only option for entertainment). As soon as the kids were in bed, the television came on and stayed on the entire night (sometimes upwards of four to five hours). We were getting to bed later and later. At one point, we even decided to put a television in our bedroom meaning we were essentially falling asleep to the tv. It was beyond out of hand. Our lives were revolving around the television.

We Made The Change.

And our liturgies look much different now. Here is what has changed:

1. We didn’t miss it after we quit it. The kids initially balked when we told them we were cancelling cable but we haven’t heard one complaint since the proverbial cord was actually cut.
2. The television is rarely on in the mornings (maybe once a week as a special treat) which means we are actually together in the mornings, undistracted by the noise of the television. We spend our time in the kitchen area most mornings, preparing for the day, making the kids lunches together, cooking breakfast together, doing the dishes together, praying together, working through a catechism together, talking about the day and dreaming together. Get the idea!? We are together!!!
3. We have set boundaries around our television watching. We have a netflix and amazon membership (which saves us a ton of money monthly, btw), giving us the option to watch tv, but not be consumed by it, or distracted by all of the commercials and the flipping through of channels. Most nights our television does come on, but only much later in the evening after the children are down, and we only watch one show or two at the most. (I sometimes stay up a little later to watch an NBA game - don’t judge;).
4. The furniture in our living area doesn’t look like it is worshiping the television. My wonderful wife made the decision to configure our living area in such a way that the tv is not the centerpiece. Instead of facing the television, our largest couch faces two other chairs. (I love my wife’s courage by the way because I was a tough sell on all of this).
5. My kids actually play outside like it’s the 1950’s again. Because the television is on less, there are so many more opportunities for creativity and imagination to be sparked. My kids read more, they draw more, and we have a lot more conversations about life, God, friends, and school than ever before.

In the end, you don’t have to do as I do. You’re free to watch as much television as you desire. In fact, if you watch a lot of it, you’re like most Americans. But please prayerfully consider these questions:

Is your television watching a gift or a god to your family? It it ultimate or is it a rare and unnecessary (non ultimate) addendum to your established rhythms and liturgies as a family?

Why My Family Is Choosing Life

“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” Psalm 127:3-5

Have you ever thought about what God truly prioritizes above everything else? What is most precious to him? What does he value and esteem and hold in the highest regard?

Above all else, God prioritizes life - human life - and life abundant. If I can’t convince you, allow Jesus to possibly do so:

“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10!

1,000 References To Life Are Found In Scripture!

The evidence supporting the above stated is insurmountably clear in Scripture as close to 1,000 references to some variation of the word “life” exist in the Bible.

Specifically in Psalm 127, God brings our attention to the lives of children. And there seems to almost be a sense of urgency in these three verses that causes us to be stirred in our hearts. The Psalmist uses the term “Behold” which in Hebrew means to “wake up, listen, and pay attention.”

Why does the Psalmist use this term? Because something very important is about to be said.

Our attention is drawn to the importance and value of children’s lives. Not only does God value human lives in general, but more specifically he really values the lives of children.

Psalm 139 describes the meticulous creative process that God takes in forming human life, specifically babies:

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:13-16

So How Does God Really Feel About Children?

If Psalm 139 wasn't enough, let’s get back to Psalm 127 to see how God really feels about children.

Four thoughts jump out initially:

1. God calls children a gift: “Children are a heritage.”

2. God takes ownership of children. They are his: “Children are...from the Lord.”

3. God sees them as extremely valuable: “the fruit of the womb a reward.”

4. God labels them as “arrows in the hand of a warrior.”

Children's lives are precious enough to be invested in by parents who have been called to rear them and subsequently send them out to the world to fulfill God’s design and purpose for their lives; namely to glorify and enjoy God and to help others see this reality.

God takes ownership of children but He also gives ownership to us.

What a tremendous act of common grace!

God also feels like the more children the better: “Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” Why? Children are a massive blessing! God views them in this way. So should we.

The Gospel Reveals God's Love For Children

Above everything else, God showed his great love for children by giving his one and only child over to death:

“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:32

Jesus died for our children so that they may become God’s children.

Children were never intended to be sacrificed (aborted for whatever reasons there may be). Jesus became the sacrifice so that so many children could become His children! This is the gospel - the good news.

What We Need To Own

But please hear me for a moment: Our passion for human life should not just extend to the lives of children, both born and unborn. When we limit our zeal merely to this segment of humanity, yet overlook the broken lives around us, we tread the line of hypocrisy.

We’ll make strong pleas for the unborn innocent lives, but at times we’ll turn a blind eye to the downtrodden, broken, and marginalized in our neighborhoods and cities. We’ll protest the unborn - picketing, boycotting, and fighting for the rights of the unborn (yes and amen!!!), but overlook our struggling neighbor, co-worker, or struggling refugee family on the side of the road.

We say we value life but let’s be honest with ourselves: How are we treating the lives of those closest to us?

Every. Single. Life. Matters. At least it does to God. And at minimum we need to self-evaluate.

For us to turn a blind eye or deaf ear to the value of human lives and specifically to children’s lives is to commit a gross sin that deeply saddens the heart of God.

We Choose Life

For all the reasons above and so many more, our family has decided to choose life. We choose life because most profoundly God chose our lives; He chose to save our lives. Therefore, we desire to save lives!

One way our family is diving into the world of saving lives is through an initiative that our church is involved with here in Tampa. There is an organization called New Life Solutions that is in the business of saving babies. They are a ministry that serves women (especially women in crisis situations - namely, unwanted pregnancies), attempting to provide them with help, hope, and healing. In fact, over the past 30 years, New Life Solutions has been a part of saving a staggering 8,000 babies lives!!!

Over the past couple years, our church has partnered with this wonderful organization (with an incredible back story) helping to save as many babies as we can. It is estimated that for $1,500 a baby’s life can be rescued. Our church has set a goal for all of our Bible study groups (there are ten of them) to raise money and each save at least one baby.

There is a fundraising event put on yearly by New Life Solutions the weekend of Mother’s Day called the Walk For Life. Participants seek pledges and then literally walk to save lives. Our family is participating again this year and we want invite you to be a part of the event if you are in or near Tampa. We also are raising money to try and save as many babies as we can. If you are interested in helping us out, click here.

Thanks for your prayers and for your support.

"But My Parenting Situation Is Different Than Yours"

One of the main arguments that I hear frequently from people who are in the throes of parenting but who are struggling to disciple their children is this: “But our situation is different than yours. Our situation is very unique and you just wouldn’t understand. There is no room in our lives to take the time that is necessary to disciple our children.”

Let me begin by saying this: I am so sorry. I am sorry that you are in a place where you feel defeated, overwhelmed, and incapacitated by life so much so, there is no room for what I would imagine is one of the most important things to you. I desire in this moment to meet you where you are and at minimum tell you that I am burdened for you and care about your situation and more importantly, God is near and He cares even more than you do.

A Little Self-Eval Never Hurt Anybody

At the same time, I also desire to challenge you a little; maybe help you see a more excellent way than your current way (even if your circumstances don’t change one bit).

It is always helpful to self-evaluate so let’s start by asking ourselves a few questions:

1. Why (really) am I not discipling my children? Is it because of a lack of time and capacity or is it because of a lack of willingness? If my schedule allowed for it, would I actually pursue it? Or am I just using my schedule as a crutch?
2. What do I think needs to change in my life (my schedule) in order for me to feel “freed up” to better disciple my children?
3. What are the top 3 perceived obstacles keeping me from better discipling my children?  
4. What do I need the most in order to change my current reality and better disciple my children?
5. Honestly, is it possible for me to be more intentional with my children in pointing them to Jesus?

What Really Is The Problem? My Selfishness Is The Problem. 

Now that we’ve (possibly) come to grips with where our hearts are at, we can move forward. 99% of the time, those of us who are saying we have a different and unique situation are correct, but EVERYONE’S situation is unique. We are just believing the lie that our unique situation is an impossible one.

We tend to use our work schedules as the biggest excuse (especially if both spouses have jobs). Other excuses include the kids school schedule (early mornings and evening homework) and their extracurricular activities. Oh, the extracurricular activities! If we aren’t careful these will take over our lives. In western culture, we busy our days with lots of activities (I tackled the youth sports issue in a previous post).

The question ultimately revolves around time. There is always going to be time for the things we want to make time. If we honestly assess our schedules, how much downtime do we really have? How much time do we spend scrolling through social media and watching netflix? We base our schedule off of “me-time,” because we feel like we’ve earned it. 

But if you are a spouse and/or a parent, you are called to lay aside your rights, schedule preferences, and time, for the sacrifice and good of those in your life. THAT is your situation. It’s not perfect, but it’s yours. You can view it as a gift or curse. But it is what it is. We all wish there was more time for everything. What we ultimately need is more Jesus, not a different situation or better circumstances.

Start Somewhere, Anywhere 

When it comes to discipling your children, start small. Spend five minutes each day talking to them about Jesus. Read a passage of Scripture or a Bible story and talk to your kids briefly about it. Tell them that the entire Bible is about Jesus and how he saves sinners and together discover this life altering truth on the pages of Scripture. Finally, pray over your children. Pray prayers that don't necessarily revolve around what they need to do but what God has already done for them. Give them the good news in your prayers. Pray that as God loves them, they will in turn love Him.

Seriously, a little investment will go further than you could ever imagine.

(I have written a couple resources that will not only get you off the starting blocks, but will also give you confidence so you can be better equipped to disciple your children.) 

Why I Am Choosing To Not Give My Kid A SmartPhone

“because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.” Romans 1:25

I’m about to say something very controversial, but I think it needs to be said so here goes: 

Smartphones are one of the primary vehicles by which the idols we are fashioning in our hearts are exposed, exacerbated, and accelerated.

They are sort of like the 21st century version of the “golden calf,”  where we believe they can somehow satisfy the deepest longings in our hearts. 

For example, we are lustful and the phone is the vehicle by which we satisfy that longing by watching porn on our phone, or by sexting, or through snapchat. Another example could be we desperately crave acceptance and approval of man and the phone is the vehicle to satisfy these desires through the “likes” and “favorites” we receive. One final example could be we have a need to be right all the time and the phone is the vehicle by which we can obtain instant access to a wealth of information to pump up our egos.

Parents, when we give our children smart phones, I believe we are potentially the 21st century versions of Aaron in Exodus 32 who when urged by the people of Israel to “make (them) gods who shall go before (them),” politely obliged and from one moment to the next made a golden calf and subsequently led an entire nation into false idol worship and nearly into destruction (if not for the merciful hand of God). We’ll get back to this.

 

Allow me to bring some sobering facts to your attention: 

• On average, children are 12 when they receive their very own smart device.
• One study found that 75% of 4-year-olds own a smartphone.
• Nearly 100% of kids start using smart phones before their first birthday.
• By age two, most children use smart devices daily.

In no way can we even begin to comprehend what negative effects the smartphone is having on our children’s brains. But, what we can comprehend is what negative effects the smartphone is having on our children’s hearts.

Hearts, Idols, And Worship 

“Man's nature, so to speak, is a perpetual factory of idols.” John Calvin

Our default as humans is idol-worship. And what is an idol? According to Romans 1:25 (see above), it is anything that we exchange or substitute for God; an “image of God we make for our own manipulation.” (Dallas Willard). As Tim Keller puts it: “It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give…An idol is whatever you look at and say, in your heart of hearts, ‘If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I ‘ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.’” 

Now back to smartphones and their connection to the golden calf. We can all attest that nothing in our lives distracts or disrupts us more than our smartphones (if a self-evaluation doesn’t do it, then check THIS out for all you iphone users). 

As much as we want to believe technology and the information age has changed our lives for the better (and in some ways it has, but that is not the point of this post), in so many other ways, it has done nothing but give us yet another reason to see how quickly we replace God for other false versions/imposters/illusions of gods.

As Christian parents, we are tasked with one mission: to teach, show, and model for our kids what it looks like to know, love, and worship Jesus. To hand our kids a smart device out of convenience, or because they ask for it, or because ALL of their friends have it, or because we just want some peace and quiet, or because we want them to have access to more knowledge (but not wisdom), is to take the easy way out. 

In closing, here are a few helpful thoughts to consider:

1. Not giving your kid a smartphone doesn’t mean you are depriving them of their happiness (we want our kids to learn what it means to be joyful rather than happy - one of these is positional, the other circumstantial).
2. Not giving your kid a smartphone opens up the endless door of possibility (one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is boredom, because it forces them to engage the unknown and learn how to “play” creatively).
3. Not giving your kid a smartphone will give them less access and therefore less opportunity to encounter the dark corners of the web (i.e. pornography).
4. Not giving your kid a smartphone will hopefully force you to evaluate how much time you are spending on YOUR devices and to reconsider your usage and maybe just maybe, cause you to set some boundaries.
5. Not giving your kid a smartphone will provide another opportunity for you to continue to help them see that “our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ” (Phil 3:20). Our children need to continue to be reminded that there is something far better than anything else that this world can offer.
6. Not giving your kid a smartphone will give them more opportunity to see that they are not the center of the universe. Smartphones tend to feed into this lie, causing us to believe that because we have instant access to everything all the time, perfectly curating what we see, having our feeds only affirm our narrow-minded, single-dimensional thoughts, opinions, and desires, only helps to confirm that the world really does revolve around us.

There is no doubt that probably most of us are deriving way too much of our self-worth by what’s on our phones. So this post might be more for YOU than it is for your kids. My hope is that you self-evaluate when you read this post. How much time are you spending on your phone? If you are like me then you are spending wayyyy too much time on it. Remember, you don’t need your phone. You are more loved, valued, affirmed, and accepted by Christ than you could ever dare imagine. Nothing else could give you what only Christ can give you. So put that phone down and trust me when I say that if you don’t check Facebook and Instagram 100 times tomorrow, your life will probably be better for it.